11:41 p.m. || 2007-01-17
fucking long rant
Ok.
I have a strange question.
Mainly aimed at people doing GCSEs right now.
right...
AM I THE ONLY ONE FREAKING OUT HERE?
seriously, everyone ive talked to is like "oh, i need to get this or that finished" or "nope, haven't done that yet".
not a hint of panic. Maybe a grunt. Maybe a sigh. But no on-the-verge-of-tears moments.
I am possibly one of the most insecure people i know. But I do not cry a lot.
It has been a while since i have been this unhappy.
I am behind on coursework in every single subject except chemistry.
And I don't even like chemistry.
And to top it off, everyone is annoying me.
Almost everyone.
If you are in a relationship at the moment, please bugger off now. I do not want to be flamed for my own stupid opinions.
And I don't give a shit if i've been as bad as you. I am aware. I am going to change that. If anything happens.
Basically, I am currently plagued with "couple" talk.
Kelly, may i assure you now, that i do not mean you. It is aimed at people at school. Feel free to rant about mr. sex all you like ^^.
ANYWAY. Yes. Couple talk.
Everyday at school i am being bombarded with 4 different voices ranting on about how great their boyfriend is, and how theyre going to meet them on sunday, and what funny things he does.
FRANKLY MY DEAR I DON'T GIVE A DAMN.
In case you have not noticed, i am, in fact, single.
I do not want to hear about things you do together, nor do i want to see holding hands and eating faces. Perhaps that part cannot be helped.
But i belive some of my friends would have the DECENCY to shut the hell up for once.
Yes, i am jealous. Yes, I am selfish. And yes, I don't fucking shut up either.
But I want to change those things.
Yes, I have my hopes pinned on someone at the moment. But I am pretty sure nothing will happen or i will fuck things up with him.
If i want to talk about him, i will do so without encouragement.
If I hear another of my schoolfriends asking "talked to him lately?" in that shitty sympathetic voice i will scream.
I actually cannot express my anger right now.
And seeing as this is my rant and i said i would talk about him if i wish, i will.
basically i asked him if he wanted to meet up on sunday.
Good. Great.
Then my mother decides to confuse things and I can either spend an entire day with him or see him next weekend.
Yes, I would like to spend the day with him. But I do not feel that is fair on him.
Therefore I got angry and ranted at him for a while. But I did not specify what the problem was.
Somehow I told him I had something important on my mind. Of course, he wanted to know what it was.
I said i wanted to tell him, but i was scared of messing things up.
Then he leaves without a word.
Just before I get the chance to confess my feelings.
Fantastic.
I am not paranoid about that. I am aware he leaves rather quickly around that time.
but THE FRUSTRATION IS KILLING ME.
And I didn't organise it with him.
I know i could see him next weekend, but i really dont want to do that.
You know how it is.
I obsess over someone and that someone turns into a drug.
I am so fucked up right now.
Schoolwork. Jealousy. Inability to express feelings.
WELL THIS IS JUST FUCKING GREAT.
I apologise for this extremely long rant. Though I'm sure most of you buggered off by the word "question"
if you are still here, i congratulate you. youve just taken a trip into my mind. and survived without exploding with boredom.
Those things are what have been corrupting me for the past month or two. I could not help but let everything out.
I'm sorry.
I am a aware I am a hypocrite.
/fuckinglongrant
